


And It Feels Like (Heaven’s So Far Away)

by emperor_nasch



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Genre: Emotional, Gen, Grief, Lots of Crying, M/M, Sudden Loss, brief little insinuation of suicidal ideation towards the end, dealing with grief, extremely depressing, somewhat happy ending but eh not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 02:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21438631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emperor_nasch/pseuds/emperor_nasch
Summary: After the great battle up at Hyrule Castle between Link and the Dark Lord Ganondorf, Link's been missing for several days, much to Shad's concern. After their final night together, Shad wonders where his beloved swordsman is. Perhaps he'll find some answers at Telma's...or be left with more questions than he can deal with.
Relationships: Link/Shad (Legend of Zelda)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 21





	And It Feels Like (Heaven’s So Far Away)

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess this is how I make my return to writing. Sorry guys, it’s been a while and I’ve been dealing with some shit.
> 
> Over the past year, I’ve experienced some very painful things that have tested me, emotionally and mentally. I’ve been grieving for much longer than what is probably socially acceptable, but when you lose two very special individuals in a matter of 7 months, sometimes you begin to lose faith in your ability to cope. And as such, sometimes you have to find ways to express your feelings, some methods more conventional than others.
> 
> I don’t usually write sad fanfiction, especially concerning characters I hold very near and dear. But I couldn’t think of any other way to best deal with my grief. Poor Shad, I essentially projected onto him hardcore throughout this entire work.
> 
> I hope I was able to convey my own thoughts and feelings through this fic. I adapted some of it for plot, but I hope it still carries the emotions I hoped for it to carry. The middle to ending portions of this fic are deeply personal, but that was my intention.
> 
> I also created a small playlist for this fic, here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLol3LGlDR061xo-99yECZVzFlrOGuYfVy
> 
> I promise to write happier things in the future. Just, bear with me for this one fic. It's been over a year in the making.

It had been days, possibly even a week since anybody had seen Link. Which, for most that knew him well, was not typically cause for concern. Since Hyrule had come into hard times as of late, and the twilight had begun plaguing the kingdom, Link had found himself caught up running various errands for strangers across the provinces – scaling the mountains in Goron territory in an attempt to facilitate peace between them and the village below, diving to who-knows-where to aid the Zoras in finding and aiding their ailing prince, and other various tasks and dungeon crawling along the way.

Link was a busy man, no doubt.

However, throughout their various conversations over drinks at Telma’s, Shad had discovered Link was nearing the end of his duties. According to the swordsman, he had one final task; slaying the Dark Lord, Ganondorf, who was apparently waiting for him within the walls of Hyrule Castle.

Shad recalled his and Link’s last conversation those many nights ago. Link had shown up at Shad’s doorstep one evening, wanting to simply talk, and Shad had been more than happy to lend him an ear or two, if he so desired.

_“I’m going after Ganondorf soon,” Link stated, sharp blue eyes downcast, staring intently at the rug beneath his boots. Sitting across from him, Shad fiddled nervously with the bracelets around his wrists._

_“You are.” It was more statement than it was a question. Not bothering to raise his head, Link replied with a heavy, shaky sigh._

_“I’m scared, Shad.”_

_Shad scoffed inadvertently in an attempt to mask his surprise that Link, of all people, was scared._

_“Of course you’re scared, old boy. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t scared at all!” Link finally looked up, his hardened gaze beginning to soften, “He’s probably scared too, you know. More so than you, perhaps. He’s the one destined to die, is he not?”_

_Link shook his head, running a gloved hand nervously through his long, tousled bangs. “He’s not scared. No reason to be.”_

_Stubborn boy, Shad thought. The scholar rose to his feet and stepped around the table separating Link and himself in order to take a seat beside the swordsman on the old, well-worn sofa in his study. He reached for Link’s hands, folded tightly between the swordsman’s knees and pried his fingers open delicately with his own. Finger by finger he went, massaging each one until he felt the tense joints relax._

_“You don’t know that, Link.” Still nothing from the man beside him. Fine. “You’ll have to be braver than him, then. Make him positively fear you! Watch him quiver in fear at the mere mentioning of your name!”_

_Link heaved yet another sigh and wrenched his hands from Shad’s, suddenly standing up before hastily stepping around both Shad and the table to approach the only window in the room. Shad pulled his hands to his chest and looked at Link, brows furrowed and pinpricks of tears in his eyes. Link hadn’t ever shown the scholar aggression- why was this time any different?_

_“I wish it were that easy, Shad.” Then silence. Shad dared not follow Link. Not yet anyway._

_“I’m gonna die, I can feel it. He’s gonna kill me, I’m not coming back from this fight and I’m…” he paused, trying desperately not to choke on tears. _

_“I’m scared, Shad. I’m not – I don’t want to die.”_

_At Link’s distressed tone, Shad stood immediately, heart beating fast. He took a few steps forward, wanting to approach Link further but not trusting how positive a reaction his sudden presence would bring during such an intense moment._

_“You are going to be ok, Link. I believe in you.” He stared at the back of Link’s unusually hatless head, heart aching, limbs quivering, waiting with baited breath for a response. He watched closely as Link shifted his weight from leg to leg, seemingly nervous._

_“But I don’t even believe in me, Shad.” He turned around, trails of fresh tears streaming down his cheeks. It made Shad’s heart ache even more._

_“Link…”_

_“Up until this twilight shit, I’d never even been to Hyrule. Hell, I knew little of anything outside of Ordon. I’ve shed blood, sweat, tears, and who knows what else for these people, risked life and limb to solve other people’s problems or whatever the fuck I get caught up in these days. And now it’s suddenly my ‘destiny’ to go murder this ancient Gerudo king who managed to thwart death once already, and for what? And why? Because some light spirit says so. Because Zelda says so. Because I have the same blood as some guy who saved the world hundreds of years ago,” his voice began to fail him as more tears came, “I’ve lived my whole life as a fucking goat herder and now I’m expected to be the kingdom’s savior?!”_

_Slowly, Shad had worked his way over to where Link stood, one arm gently placed on the swordsman’s back._

_“I don’t want to be the savior anymore. I’m confused and angry and I just want to be left alone. Or listened to. Or both.” The tears came rolling even heavier. “Fuck me, I don’t even know what I want anymore.”_

_Shad was furiously blinking back tears, hand still around Link’s back. He sucked in a deep breath and stepped directly in front of Link, hands now perched on either shoulder. His grip was soft but with enough pressure that Link could feel his fingers._

_“I **am** listening, old boy. Please, do not think you have to harbor these feelings,” one hand tipped Link’s chin upward with an index finger, “You’re not alone in this, Link. I promise.”_

_“Shad, you don’t have to do this.”_

_“Yes, I do,” a sudden boldness rose up in the scholar unlike he’d ever felt, “You’re the most daring and courageous man I have even had the pleasure of meeting and befriending. You’ve accomplished what no ordinary person even could, Hylian or otherwise.”_

_“But…”_

_Shad’s tone shifted, as did his gaze._

_“You are EXTRAORDINARY, Link. Do not EVER forget that.”_

_Link’s eyes were wide. Shad continued to hold his gaze for what seemed like hours until Link forcibly broke it with an enormous hug and a deluge of sobs. Finally, the dam had broken, but for all the right reasons. The scholar fixed his glasses that Link had knocked askew, then joined both his arms around Link’s middle._

_Once the sobs had died down and the tears stopped rolling, Link managed to pull himself back together. With his head still resting in the crook of Shad’s neck, he spoke, voice wrecked from crying._

_“Thank you. For believing that a stupid goat herder like me can save a kingdom.”_

_Shad leaned into the touch, nuzzling his cheek against Link’s hair. “Of course I believe you, Link.”_

_“Then you’re a better man than I.”_

_There was a moment of silence that hung in the air as Link released his own grip and returned to the couch, Shad not far behind._

_“There’s something I need to show you when this is over,” Link spoke as he sat, “It should help you confirm a lot of your and your father’s research.” Shad’s eyes lit up behind his glasses like freshly lit lanterns, “And…would you believe me if I said it was a floating city in the clouds?”_

_The shit eating grin Link wore was the happiest expression he’d had since he walked through Shad’s apartment door. _

_“Considering your history with all things unimaginable, I absolutely do believe you, old boy. I only wish you wouldn’t leave me with such a dreadful cliffhanger.”_

_Link’s genuine smile disappeared as quickly as it came. Noticing this, Shad took up the swordsman’s hands again. “Stop it. You’re going to make it.”_

_“And what if I don’t?”_

_Shad scooted closer to Link and laid his head on the swordsman’s shoulder, half expecting Link to shy away. When he leaned in instead, Shad was surprised but relieved. He was even more surprised when he felt the rather snug presence of Link’s arm around his waist, and, for a brief moment, he forgot about the seriousness of their meeting. _

_When Link nuzzled his nose into the scholar’s hair, Shad truly thought he was dreaming. Especially when he felt what he thought was a kiss as Link pulled away ever-so-slightly._

_“Is it…is it weird to say that I love you?” Link whispered, Shad’s head still on his shoulder. Shad shook his head softly. He’d waited so long to hear those three little words; it was hard to believe his ears. Especially since those words, though interpreted as platonic, were coming from Link of all people._

_“Not at all, old boy. If anything, it’s a welcomed sentiment.”_

_He felt Link shift slightly, his grip on Shad’s waist tightening. He nuzzled again, this time a little harder, and he was smiling again._

_“Can we go to bed? I’m kinda exhausted.” The words were spoken into Shad’s hair, but they were understood nonetheless._

_“Only if you’re willing to let me go for a few moments. I promise, I shan’t keep you waiting.”_

_Link pulled away for the second time that night, hesitantly._

_“Hmm. Deal.”_

_With that, Link unwound his arm and allowed Shad to stand and stretch. As he turned around, he was met with a faceful of Link as the shorter man embraced him in a bear hug. Shad was quick to hug him back. After the embrace, Shad led the way back to the bedroom, Link following close behind, the sound of heavy footfalls marking his every step._

Lost in his thoughts, Shad had ended up circling town square multiple times, and as such, missed his turn to get to Telma’s. The anxiety over Link’s whereabouts was momentarily quelled by the memories of their last night together. His cheeks flushed red once again as he recalled the warmth of Link’s body in such close proximity to his own, their legs tangled together as the swordsman’s head lay in the crook of his neck. He’d had one arm thrown delicately across Shad’s chest, helping to hold himself as close to the scholar as he could; the other arm was nestled between their bodies, fingers entwined with Shad’s. It was a loving gesture, sure, and Shad hadn’t really known what to think, other than to not question it. No, he was perfectly content with what had been happening between them, no words required.

He’d hoped for more, of course. His longstanding crush on Link was anything but silent as they slept together, but considering the emotional rollercoaster the night had already turned into, Shad didn’t feel right pushing the envelope further than it had already been pushed. Perhaps he’d confess to Link after this whole ordeal was over. Perhaps it would even happen naturally, over drinks at Telma’s maybe, during whatever sort of celebration that would take place after the kingdom was reclaimed from evil.

Shad supposed he’d fallen asleep before Link, since he had no recollection of anything beyond the start of their conversation. It was…strange, what had developed between them that night. They hadn’t confirmed nor denied having feelings for one another, but there was certainly a different energy in their interactions.

Shad hoped that energy would remain as intense as it had been that night the next time they saw each other.

But…Shad hadn’t seen Link since that night. In the morning he’d woken to an empty bed. It bothered the scholar that Link hadn’t said goodbye, considering he’d divulged his deepest, most intimate fears and concerns, not to mention his true feelings about his destiny (Shad would’ve bet the entirety of his father’s research that he was the only person who knew _that_!). Maybe Link had too much on his mind, or maybe he didn’t have the heart to say goodbye, knowing the potential finality of that goodbye.

In any case, Shad knew Link had his reasons. But that _was_ some time ago. There was no reason for Link to be avoiding him like this.

He’d chosen Telma’s bar because, more than likely, Link had visited there at least once during the last few weeks. And if not, Telma likely had a good idea of his whereabouts; she was keen like that.

A new wave of hope had shot through him as he opened the door, fully expecting Link to be standing idly by the bar, chatting with Telma like he usually was, or taking a load off at the Resistance’s table in the back of the bar. But, upon checking both locations and finding no sign of his swordsman, a slight panic rose up in him.

“Shad, there you are honey! Thought you up and moved outta Hyrule it’s been so long!”

His head whipped in the direction of Telma’s voice.

“Oh, hello Telma. I’ve been caught up in my studies as of late. Deepest apologies for not having come by sooner.”

Her expression changed. Shad didn’t notice.

“Really, I just came by to see if Link was here…” her expression changed again, “but since he’s not, I don’t suppose you might know where the old boy’s gotten off to. It’s been forever and a day since I’ve seen him, let alone spoke to him.”

“Oh, honey.” Her words, paired with her melancholic expression, made Shad’s heart skip a beat and his palms sweaty.

“Yes, Telma?”

She heaved a heavy sigh before continuing. “Shad, honey, you didn’t hear, did you?”

Panic. “Hear…what?” His heart began to pound in his ears when the barmaid sighed again.

“Link’s gone, honey. He died during that battle up at the castle. The queen made an announcement…”

…

…

…

The rest of her statement fell upon deaf ears.

The ringing in Shad’s ears was unbearable. He stared at Telma, her words sinking in slowly, but surely. Time might as well have stood still.

He felt a presence at his side and turned his head, noticing Rusl standing there. He saw Rusl’s mouth moving, but the words didn’t register. They were just part of the background noise that was building up to a sensory overload.

Link was dead.

His worst fears had come to fruition.

Instantly, Shad felt like the bar walls were closing in around him, and so he backed up out of Rusl’s reach and booked it out the door. A wave of nausea and dizziness hit him, and he collapsed against the bricks, sliding down to the ground and forcing his head between his knees. He tried, desperately, to breathe at an even pace- _in and out, in and out_ he told himself, but to no avail. So, he sat with his knees to his chest, his entire body numb and his mind racing, and cried, shoulders shaking rather violently with every sob, every anguished cry that fell from his lips.

They had talked about this very thing. The potential possibility of Link not coming back. Shad didn’t – no, he _couldn’t_ – imagine Link failing. He’d overcome bigger, more intimidating foes with ease. He was unstoppable. He was _Link._

A face appeared in front of his, again. It was Rusl. Shad shut his eyes and turned away from the older man, ripping his glasses off his face and tossing them away so he could bury his face in his arm.

“Son,” Rusl started, but to no avail. He attempted to place his hand on Shad’s shoulder, but the scholar shied away immediately. He heard Rusl sigh, then felt the presence of the older man taking a seat beside him.

“Master Shad, please. Hear me out.” Shad said nothing, but didn’t back away. “I understand how you’re feeling. Link was like a son to me. My wife and I raised him from very young, and I…What happened…I’m grieving too, we all are.” He was finally able to place a hand on Shad’s shoulder. “If you ever want to talk, about him, about anything…”

“Thank you, Rusl.” Shad’s voice came muffled after several minutes of silence, before he lifted his head up from his arm. He reached for his glasses, which had landed several feet away when he tossed them. When he sat back up, glasses on, he noticed Telma was seated close as well. Her expression was brighter than it had been when Shad had first entered the bar, but still solemn.

“I’m here too for ya, honey. That boy was special to all of us, no doubt, and we’re all gonna grieve his loss. But I know, and Rusl knows, and so do the others…There was something even more special between you two, something that none of us had with Link. And that, honey, is why it hurts as much as it does.”

Despite the heavy sadness, he felt a light heat rush to his cheeks. “You guys knew, then.”

Telma smiled, finally. “Don’t think we didn’t notice your face light up every time he walked through that door, let alone whenever his name was brought up.”

“It was that obvious?”

Telma nodded, and Rusl chuckled slightly. “Likewise, the few times you weren’t here and Link came in, he always asked about you. Wanted to make sure you were ok and all that.”

Shad smiled inwardly. It wasn’t much to go on, but knowing that Link at least _cared_ about him was slightly comforting. “That…that sounds exactly like the old boy.” He wiped away several stray tears with his hand. “Thank you, both of you.”

Telma stood, dusting her dress off delicately. Rusl stood as well. Shad, however, did not.

“Are you going to be ok, Master Shad?” Rusl asked, squatting down before the scholar. Shad nodded.

“I’ll be…ok, eventually. Right now, I…I need to simply go home and figure this all out; try to sort out my emotions and all that. Thank you, though.”

Rusl nodded, and headed back into the bar behind Telma. Shad sat in silence for another few minutes before standing up. His eyes went skyward, briefly, before another wave of tears threatened to hit. Instead, he blinked them away, and immediately set off toward his apartment.

He would let those tears come, in time. He deserved to grieve. But for now, he needed to firmly believe that this was reality and not a terrible, goddess-awful nightmare.

* * *

Shad entered the chamber behind the newly-coronated queen, letting the heavy oaken door close on his heels with a gentle _click_. He held a folded-up piece of parchment, still enclosed with a wax seal, against his chest. Telma had given it to him the same day he found out about Link’s death. She informed him that Link had given it to her before he went to the castle and told her to give it to Shad if anything were to happen to him.

Shad had decided to wait to read it until he got the closure he so desperately sought.

And today, he decided, was going to be that day.

When he turned to Zelda, she was several paces down the corridor, hands clasped in front of her, continuing toward the next set of doors at a slow walk. Shad half-jogged to catch up with her. As he fell into step beside the queen, she spoke, her voice echoing off the walls almost hauntingly.

“He would have been honored you came to visit, you know.” The dark bags beneath her eyes and the tiny twitch in her smile told a different story. _She must be mourning too_, Shad thought.

“I’m sure he would, your grace.” Tears that had stung his eyes for countless days and nights were threatening to fall again. His tired eyes couldn’t take much more; between tears and barely a night’s rest since that day, Shad didn’t think he had any energy left to cry.

He hadn’t taken Link’s passing well – not that he would have ever expected to. Not ever.

Neither queen nor scholar spoke another word until they entered a sunlit room, in stark contrast to the rooms they’d been passing through. Despite the sunlight, the room held an eerie chill and smelled musty, like ancient scrolls and dust. On one wall, across from an array of decorative stained-glass windows, were burial vaults stacked from floor to ceiling, faded names of royalty past still visible on the weathered stone. Each grave was adorned with strangely fresh flowers. Shad supposed somebody still looked after the ancient graves. This _was_ Hyrule Castle, after all.

Zelda had stopped in front of a lone stone vault. It was placed away from the others, in a more prominent area of the room. Shad could tell it was new – fresh stone, sharp engraving on the lid that stood out boldly against the granite…Shad didn’t need to read the name to know who it belonged to.

The tears began again for what felt like the thousandth time in the last few days, burning sleep deprived eyes and leaving tear stains on his glasses as they fell through tightly shut eyes. A gentle hand squeezed his shoulder.

“You loved him, didn’t you, Master Shad?”

The scholar sighed, trying to stop the tears and steady his voice before he spoke. The ache in his chest returned once more at the queen’s words. It was a dull ache of longing, of a broken heart unable to be mended.

“Very much, yes. More than I ever thought I could love another. My only regret…” he swallowed hard, “My only regret is not telling him sooner. I suppose it’s too late now, wouldn’t you say, your highness?”

Zelda smiled and wiped a tear delicately from her eye.

“If you felt that strongly towards him, I’m sure he knew. We act subconsciously on our feelings, sometimes, if they are intense enough. I have no doubt your love for him shone through at every chance it had”

Shad drew in a shaky breath, then an exhale.

“Do you think he’d be…angry, that I never told him? That I was too afraid of losing him to be honest and outright?”

Zelda shook her head. “I believe he would appreciate how much you cherished his friendship alone that you didn’t want to risk ruining what you both already had,” her hand slipped from his shoulder, reuniting with the other once and once more hanging down against her dress, clasped together.

Shad stood staring at the floor, idly shifting his weight from one leg to another, arms crossed tightly against his chest, letter still clasped there. After a long moment of silence, Zelda stole a quick glance at the scholar.

“I was with him, when he passed.” On the edge of her periphery, she saw Shad’s head whip in her direction.

“You were?” She could hear the tears in his strangled voice.

“Yes. It wasn’t…pretty,” she grimaced to herself at the unpleasant memory, “But it was quick. He did not suffer long.”

Silence encompassed the chamber like a heavy woolen blanket as Shad processed what the queen had told him. _At least he wasn’t alone._ _That’s…comforting._

“Thank you, your Highness, for such kind, comforting words. A gangly ol’ scholar such as myself does not deserve such treatment.”

Zelda scoffed, a surprising sound that nearly broke the solemnness of the room they stood in. She turned to Shad, delicately taking up one of his hands between her gloved ones. “Nonsense, Master Shad. You were very important to Link, someone whom he cared for deeply. You were his friend, his companion. Someone he trusted enough to bare his raw emotions to. What sort of leader- nay, _person_\- would I be if I denied you this closure?” Shad blushed, looking away from the queen’s gaze.

“Take as much time as you need. I’ll be in my chambers if you so need me.”

She left without another word, leaving Shad alone in the chamber, his own thoughts threatening to drown him as he sat in silence. He took a step forward, dropping to his knees besides the vault, placing his forehead against the cook stone surface, one hand still clutching the letter. His free hand absent mindedly traced the engraving of Link’s name. Taking a deep breath, the deepest he’d ever taken, Shad summoned what courage he had to finally speak the seven little words he’d been longing to say, only to the inhuman presence of a grave rather than the beautiful face of the swordsman he’d hoped he’d get to see again.

“Hey there, old boy. I’ve missed you.”

Sobs wracked his entire body the moment the last word left his lips. Never more had he wanted desperately to lay eyes on Link one last time, hold him close, and tell him how sorry he was. Sorry for not being honest, for not telling him enough how much he truly cared, for not saying how much he _loved_ Link. Every single _what-if _and _should have_ and _could have _ran rampantly through his mind. How he could’ve said things differently, how he could’ve made Link feel better about his situation, how he felt increasingly guilty for letting Link believe he would be ok. That last part was what plagued him most.

A part of him knew Link would never be angry at him for something so trivial. After all, Shad was trying to give him a confidence boost, something to help get him through this fight. He never meant to lie right through his teeth, to lead Link to believe in something that had the potential of failing.

A thousand apologies wouldn’t suffice in Shad’s mind. No, he could never be sorry enough. A stream of sob-garbled _sorry_’s left his lips regardless, hoping at least one of them would somehow reach the heavens above.

On top of that, the feeling of emptiness, that something was missing, was a feeling Shad couldn’t quite shake. He almost acquainted it to a gaping hole in his heart, or the last piece of a puzzle gone missing forever. His life, most _certainly,_ would never be the same.

Yet…his life would continue on. His research, his daily routine, visits to Telma’s; even in the far future, most likely there was going to be someone else to fall in love with, someone else he will end up marrying, someone else he will share his most intimate moments with. His intense love for the swordsman, _his _swordsman, was in vain. He would move on, eventually. And perhaps, someday, Link would be a distant memory. Someone whom he adored in his youth, just a story for future generations. A legend, really.

It was hard for Shad to imagine a time where he wouldn’t be thinking about Link. Or mourning him. Or wishing so desperately for this all to be an extremely vivid nightmare. Or wallowing in his regrets.

Over a few minutes time, Shad mad moved to sit on the chamber floor, his back touching the side of the vault. His head lay back, cradled by the curved edge of the lid. He held the letter in his hand, still unopened. He’d considered not opening the letter, perhaps waiting a little while before reading its contents. However, Link had given it to Telma for a reason. Clearly, he wanted Shad to read it.

Undoing the wax seal holding the folded ends of the parchment together, Shad let the letter flop open. Familiar messy scrawling met his eyes, and he couldn’t help but grin softly.

_Shad_

_If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. _

_I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me._

_We talked about this happening. Thank you for believing in me even though I clearly didn’t deserve it. That last night where we talked about everything was one of the happiest nights in my life. I am eternally grateful to you._

_But._

_I failed. I failed you and everybody else. All of Hyrule, probably. And I can never forgive myself for that._

_By the way. In case I never get the chance to tell you._

_I know you really like me. I always knew. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much that means to me._

_I never deserved you as a friend, much less anything beyond that. Somehow you saw past all the bad things._

_Just know that, wherever I end up, I really like you too._

_And maybe someday, in another life, we can make that dream come true._

_Thanks again, Shad. Give everyone a hug for me._

_And I’m sorry I never got the chance to show you that city in the clouds. I know you were looking forward to that. Again, please forgive me. _

_Best, Link_

Every few lines, there were clear water stains, most likely caused by tears. Tears that, once again, were streaming down Shad’s cheeks, sobs barely contained by a hand over his mouth. Of course, they had to be Link’s, since they’d long since dried.

He hoped Link knew, wherever he was, that he wasn’t a failure. That he hadn’t failed the kingdom. Or Shad, for that matter. And that Shad wasn’t mad about not seeing that mystical city in the sky Link had promised him. Just knowing it was there was enough.

He turned his body to lean against the vault, caressing it softly with his fingers as if it were a person. Crying his eyes out while slumped against the stone box containing what used to be his beloved swordsman was going to be the closest thing to closure Shad was going to get, and Shad begrudgingly accepted that.   
  


And yet…It still didn’t feel quite right. He half expected Link to be waiting for him here, waiting to surprise him with news that he was, in fact, not dead. In his heart, he knew it was a false hope, a construct of denial and grief and sudden, unexpected loss that plagued his body and mind.

No, Link was definitely dead. And no amount of pleading with the goddesses, no amount of tears, no amount of regret would bring him back.

When the rush of tears and sobbing had finally come to an end, all Shad could feel was numbness. His body may as well have not existed; a brief thought crossed his mind that perhaps that wouldn’t be so bad. However, he mentally shooed that thought away, lest it consume him. He was needed here, still. Or, at least that’s what he told himself. Whether or not he truly believed it, Shad himself wasn’t quite sure.

He needed time. Time always healed, or at least that’s what he’d always heard.

If he could even wait that long.

“Link…” his own voice rang out in the emptiness of the room. Shad had to questions if that was actually his voice. It didn’t sound like himself. Shad scoffed internally. He _wasn’t _himself. Hadn’t been himself for days now. Why would he _sound_ like himself?

“Link, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He paused, as if expecting a reply. Bad habit, Shad supposed. “I thought…I truly thought…” He couldn’t even find the right words. So, he opted for silence.

“Forgive me, old boy. Never imagined conversing with the deceased would be so difficult.” Again, he paused for a reply. _Why am I such an idiot?_

Tired eyes closed, head still lolled against the vault lid. He tried to picture Link’s face as he remembered it. And he tried to hear his voice. But it seemed those memories were slipping away faster than Shad had wanted them to. _Lovely. Just…lovely. Can’t even remember what he looked like. And I supposedly loved him?_

More tears. More goddess-damned tears. Shad was tired of all the fucking tears.

“I hope…if you can hear me,” he sucked in a breath, “I hope you’re doing well. And I hope someday I can see you again. I already miss you dearly, old boy.”

He hoisted himself up onto his knees, laying both arms across the vault lid and leaning his forehead against it. Heaving a sigh, he allowed his lips to grace the cold stone. _I should’ve kissed you when I had the chance._

“I love you, Link. Thank you for what little time we had together. I will absolutely treasure it for my remaining days.”

He stood, hesitantly lifting his hands from where they lay across the vault lid. Taking a step or two back from the vault, Shad looked it up and down one last time. He knew Zelda would allow him visitation at any time, but that didn’t take away the heavy sadness that enveloped him as he turned away to face the door through which he and the queen had originally entered.

With one last, deep breath, he pushed it open. Shad couldn’t shake the feeling that he was leaving something very important behind. Something he could never replace. And, in a way, he was.

* * *

That night, he slept, truly _slept_ for the first time in ages. And it so happened that a familiar face decided to show up. It was brief, but tugged at Shad’s heartstrings; they were laying in bed together, just like they had on that final night. Link was nestled against Shad’s chest, face tucked in the crook of his neck. For a brief moment in the dream, they made eye contact and Link had a soft look of utter adoration on his face. Although the dream quickly faded when Shad awoke, he knew what he’d seen. He knew what he’d _felt. _Everything had seemed intensely real – Link’s arms wrapped so tightly around his waist, their legs tangled together and the warmth radiating from between their bodies, the smell of Link’s hair that was absolutely infatuating - that it could’ve been his brain deciding to torture him, or it could’ve been his overactive imagination trying to come to terms with what had happened.

Shad knew better, though. He knew it was a message. Deep in his heart, he knew Link was ok and he was letting Shad know. After all, he was quite aware of how Shad worried about him.

The heaviness weighing on Shad’s heart had lifted slightly.

Maybe, there was a light at the end of this really long, really dark tunnel.

Maybe. Just, maybe.


End file.
